privacy and a rant and advice, please

So, most of you have heard the recent uproar about a family who was in the process of adopting from Ethiopia, and had their adoption terminated by the Ethiopian government because of their blog.

They had posted photos of their referred child (which is against Ethiopian law, as I now know) and were doing extensive fundraising, including lots of negative description of the conditions of orphans in Ethiopia. The Ethiopian government took the position that if they had to do all this fundraising, they obviously could not afford the adoption. Very sad for the family, who did not know that their blog could possibly cost them their adoption.

{begin rant - feel free to skip} Frankly, I can kind of see the Ethiopians' point on this. I am not a big fan of public fundraising for an adoption - call me cranky, but I say if you can't afford it or finance it yourself (or with your family), you might want to wait until you can. Please note I'm just talking about PUBLIC fundraising. (Full disclosure: my mom has helped me financially with the travel expenses of my adoption - and I cannot begin to tell you how much that helps. It is HUGE. She gave me this as a gift, though, and I wouldn't have asked her for it. Gifts are great!) I've never heard of anyone doing a public fundraiser for a biological child. And I think SOME the big public fundraising efforts feed into the whole "rescue" thing which I find so distasteful. Yes, the child needs a home, but when the adopting family treats the adoption as a rescue mission, it negates all the losses that the child experiences, and sets up a weird dynamic - intentional or not - that the adopted child should now be grateful to his/her parents. I don't think any child deserves that. {end rant, stepping away from the soapbox}

ANYWAY, here's the thing - I'm now kind of nervous about this blog. Even though I've taken great care to keep it anonymous, I'm worried about the Ethiopian position on blogs, and I'm worried that I'm exposing myself (and the Sprout) here.

Should I password protect my blog? Make it invitation only?

Oh great blogger society, tell me what to do. (that is if you don't already hate me for my position about adoption fundraising)

humbled and grateful

Wow - thank you everyone for so much thoughtful, and I have to emphasize - kind, feedback.

I am still processing, and have not made a decision yet, but have read and truly appreciate every comment - who knew there was so much wisdom and experience out there in bloggy land?!?!

(And one point of clarification especially for you Kate - I don't loathe all people who ask for a girl!! Gosh, I am horrified that my post conveyed that! I just have had some reactions/judgments to some of the reasons people tell me for why they want a girl. But, of course, I do know that everyone has their own story and their own reasons for doing what they do, and I don't have to agree with those reasons or even know about them! I was just putting it out there because it's a fear I have - that people will judge me. )

Thank you all again.

Help me, oh wise ones

OK, so I have a major life decision to make in the next two days and so of course I’m seeking input by self reflection, meditation, prayer, consultation with trusted advisors and people who have BTDT.

Oh yeah, and I'm also asking the internets.

Today, I was emailing Michele about the fact that Sprout is – for now – gender neutral. That is, I have decided NOT to request a specific gender, although the program in Ethiopia allows adopting parents to do that. And as I wrote my email about how OK I am with that, I realized that I might be completely full of it.

Here’s the problem:

I keep picturing Sprout as Sprout-ette. A beautiful little girl-child. And I’m kind of freaked out that maybe I should be asking for a girl.

I spoke to my adoption coordinator today to confirm that she got my dossier. I mentioned my cold feet on this issue. She said my dossier won’t get sent to DC until Monday so I have the weekend to think it over, and if I want to, change my request from either gender to girl.

Reasons why I want to ask for a girl:

1. Gut feeling. Can’t explain it – just feel it.

2. I had sisters, no brothers, so kind of have a grasp on how girls work, but with boys, not so much. Also, I’m a girl (duh).

3. Can’t deny it: the clothes, the hair, all the awesome girly stuff. I love love love the idea of getting to do all that stuff with a little girl.

4. I feel more confident in my skills as a mother when I picture a girl. Why, I don’t know. I just really do.

Reasons why I want to stick with EITHER:

1. Perhaps the “gut feeling” (#1 above) is stuff I’m making up to mask fear. I’m good at rationalizing in a sneaky way like that. The fact is, I’m kind of scared about raising a boy – and especially a Black boy. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s HARD out there for a Brother. And it’s gonna be harder to be a Brother raised by a single white mom. (I think.) But I don't want to make this decision based on fear.

2. Maybe the kid who is meant for me is a boy! And I will be completely fucking up the program if I ask for a girl. Both of my sister’s kids are boys, and although I don’t really always understand them, I absolutely adore them.

3. I am loathe to be lumped in with the people who are asking for a girl for (what I believe to be) the wrong reasons. (Kind of how I’m loathe to be lumped in with the Holy Rollers who are adopting to “save” a child.) I am really uncomfortable with people who want a girl because: (1) they want a cute little princess doll; (2) girls are “easier”; (3) boys will carry on the family name, and an adopted child isn’t REALLY the one who should carry on your name, so better to get a girl; (4) whatever else strikes me as a bullshit reason. (Damn, I’m a judgmental little thing, aren’t I?) So, basically, don’t want to be guilty by association.

4. I just don’t like the idea, in general, of being able to select a gender. It stinks of rich white privilege or something. And it makes me feel GUILTY to even consider asking for a girl. Even though I kind of want to do it - if no one ever had to know whether I asked for a girl or left the gender open, I think I would ask for a girl. But I would feel like a giant loser to “chicken out” now and ask for a girl.

So, here’s your shot – not that I will follow anyone’s advice, or even pay a speck of attention, but I’m kind of lost here, people.

Tell me what to do.

the missing list

My fabulous friend Paige recently sent me an email with a link to Target’s baby sale.

(No, they’re not selling babies. They are selling all the stuff that you need for your baby. Jeez.)

In her email, Paige innocently mentioned that I could go stock up on some baby staples, like a shade for my car window.

To which I thought to myself: “huh?”

A shade for my car window? I think I’ve seen those in other people’s cars, but I gotta say it never even entered my mind that I should get one of those. I pretty much have been thinking that what I need is diapers, a crib, some bottles, and … well, I don’t really know what else.

Which caused me to spin out into a minor panic, because I realized I actually have NO IDEA what I’m supposed to buy in order to be prepared when Sprout eventually arrives.

Holy crap – I already suck at this parenting thing.

I want to do my standard search via the miracle that is the internet, but how the hell do you formulate a google search to get this information? You can’t, actually.

Clearly what I need is the What To Buy When You Are Adopting A Baby Of As-Yet-Unknown-Gender-And-Size And Also You Haven't Been A Mom Before So You Have No Freakin' Clue Shopping List.

Which, I know. Doesn't exist.

good citizenship

After I posted the disgustingly long timeline, my bloggy pal (and fellow Ethiopian adopting parent) Carrie was good enough to point out a couple of errors, including a pretty important one about Sprout's citizenship. And it made me realize that I needed to do some research on the topic (how unlike me!).

Here's what I found out, and a question:

When the Ethiopian courts finalize the adoption, Sprout will remain an Ethiopian citizen.

The relevant U.S. law (Child Citizenship Act of 2000) says that a child whose adoption is finalized in the country from which he/she is adopted is generally issued an IR3 visa classification (“Immediate Relative -- Orphan Adopted Abroad by U.S. Citizen”), and automatically becomes a U.S. citizen upon arrival in this country.

But, there is a wrinkle. If the adopting parent(s) will not have SEEN the child in person before (or during ) the adoption process - the child can't get an IR3 visa classification. This isn't in the Child Citizenship Act of 2000 by the way - it is how the USCIS has interpreted the law. (Good information about this here.)

I don't really understand this - but, that's the situation. And, of course, I will not have laid eyes on Sprout prior to finalization of the adoption in Ethiopia.

So, Sprout will instead be issued an IR4 visa classification from the U.S. Consulate in Ethiopia (“Immediate Relative – Orphan to be Adopted in the United States by U.S. Citizen”), and will not automatically become a citizen when we arrive home to the U.S.

In order for Sprout to become a U.S. citizen, I need to "re-adopt" Sprout after we get home.

"Readoption" means the process by which a California state court will review Sprout's Ethiopian adoption (along with other supporting information), and issues a new adoption decree, independent of the Ethiopian decree, stating that Sprout has been adopted in conformity with California State adoption law.

After Sprout is re-adopted in California, Sprout will get a new birth certificate, and can apply for a Certificate of U.S. Citizenship and a social security number.

Does anyone know if there is a way for Sprout to retain his/her Ethiopian citizenship during this re-adoption process?
In other words, can Sprout be a joint citizen of Ethiopia and the U.S.?

picture this Friday??

Help!

Somewhere in my bloggy wanderings I ran across a blog where the author had a kind of running photo project.

She would post the topic early in the week, and then people who participated would post their photos on their blogs on Friday, and link back to the assignment, which listed the participants - so you could look at what other people did with the assignment.

It sounded cool, and I decided I wanted to do it, too.

And now I can't find it!!!!

Does this ring a bell for anyone? Please help me find it...