Help me, oh wise ones
OK, so I have a major life decision to make in the next two days and so of course I’m seeking input by self reflection, meditation, prayer, consultation with trusted advisors and people who have BTDT.
Oh yeah, and I'm also asking the internets.
Today, I was emailing Michele about the fact that Sprout is – for now – gender neutral. That is, I have decided NOT to request a specific gender, although the program in Ethiopia allows adopting parents to do that. And as I wrote my email about how OK I am with that, I realized that I might be completely full of it.
I keep picturing Sprout as Sprout-ette. A beautiful little girl-child. And I’m kind of freaked out that maybe I should be asking for a girl.
I spoke to my adoption coordinator today to confirm that she got my dossier. I mentioned my cold feet on this issue. She said my dossier won’t get sent to DC until Monday so I have the weekend to think it over, and if I want to, change my request from either gender to girl.
Reasons why I want to ask for a girl:
1. Gut feeling. Can’t explain it – just feel it.
2. I had sisters, no brothers, so kind of have a grasp on how girls work, but with boys, not so much. Also, I’m a girl (duh).
3. Can’t deny it: the clothes, the hair, all the awesome girly stuff. I love love love the idea of getting to do all that stuff with a little girl.
4. I feel more confident in my skills as a mother when I picture a girl. Why, I don’t know. I just really do.
Reasons why I want to stick with EITHER:
1. Perhaps the “gut feeling” (#1 above) is stuff I’m making up to mask fear. I’m good at rationalizing in a sneaky way like that. The fact is, I’m kind of scared about raising a boy – and especially a Black boy. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s HARD out there for a Brother. And it’s gonna be harder to be a Brother raised by a single white mom. (I think.) But I don't want to make this decision based on fear.
2. Maybe the kid who is meant for me is a boy! And I will be completely fucking up the program if I ask for a girl. Both of my sister’s kids are boys, and although I don’t really always understand them, I absolutely adore them.
3. I am loathe to be lumped in with the people who are asking for a girl for (what I believe to be) the wrong reasons. (Kind of how I’m loathe to be lumped in with the Holy Rollers who are adopting to “save” a child.) I am really uncomfortable with people who want a girl because: (1) they want a cute little princess doll; (2) girls are “easier”; (3) boys will carry on the family name, and an adopted child isn’t REALLY the one who should carry on your name, so better to get a girl; (4) whatever else strikes me as a bullshit reason. (Damn, I’m a judgmental little thing, aren’t I?) So, basically, don’t want to be guilty by association.
4. I just don’t like the idea, in general, of being able to select a gender. It stinks of rich white privilege or something. And it makes me feel GUILTY to even consider asking for a girl. Even though I kind of want to do it - if no one ever had to know whether I asked for a girl or left the gender open, I think I would ask for a girl. But I would feel like a giant loser to “chicken out” now and ask for a girl.
So, here’s your shot – not that I will follow anyone’s advice, or even pay a speck of attention, but I’m kind of lost here, people.
Tell me what to do.
22 comments:
Coming from one who DID request a girl in the China program (still waiting). I have had my time to think and know that I am perfectly cool with a boy. It has happened rarely with girl requests but I would be totally open to it. I couldn't always say that but I see so many little boys I just love...we'd be just fine. (Save the part about me having enough clothes to dress him in drag for the first 4 years ;0)
This is my first comment to you next to my email and again...you are hilarious! Ok, here is my two cents. Girls are not easier, ask my mother and any of my friends. They will all say their sons are easier. Yes, it's hard out there for a brother (I'm a sister, it's no piece of cake for us either) but don't let that stop you from adopting a beautiful boy child. Do you have black role models? You will need this for a boy or girl. If not...you have some years to find some.
I thought long about letting the universe choose my child's sex for me but in the end I am single, raised by a single mother and I simply felt better about choosing a girl for my first child...but I plan to go back and adopt a boy!
Let me tell you a quick story...I listened to everyone else about a car and bought one I hated although in my heart I knew what I wanted. Man I hated that damn thing! So...after a year and a half I traded a brand new car in for a car that I really wanted (it cost me more in the end). Everyone thought I was crazy but I was and am totally happy and now no one thinks about it and I can't be happier with my decision! Not that your baby is a car but you get my point...JUST DO YOU!!!! If you are really feeling a girl then adopt a girl! Okay my other comments will be shorter! LOL
OK, 100% honesty time. When I was pregnant, I was SURE it was going to be a boy. And for the first time I will admit that I WANTED a boy. And when the scan said girl, I felt so guilty for wanting a boy. I shouldn't have wanted anything but a healthy child. I of course, love my daughter, and I realize how silly I was for caring either way.
So i guess what I'm saying is you are human for having a preference. And you are in a unique position to choose.
Be brave. I don't even know you, but I'm positive that you'll be a great mom even if sprout-ette is in fact Sprout-O.
First I have to gasp, boys will carry on the family name, and an adopted child isn’t REALLY the one who should carry on your name, so better to get a girl. That's actually a reason people have for adopting girls!!! Wow! I have never heard that one. I believe you but I find it shocking that a PAP could think that way. Sorry....
We can't select and I must say I'm relieved about that fact. I've always wanted a boy first so we've been hoping for a boy, but recently I'm secretly longing for a daughter. I say that to lead into my $0.02. Stick with either you heart could change towards raising a boy and then where would you be if you had selected a girl.
LMAO - you sound so much like me on not wanting to be lumped in with people who request a girl for what I deem to be stupid reasons. I was so worried about that. We requested a girl but had our own personal reasons for doing so (which I didn't deem stupid). I would have loved a boy with everything in me but I knew in my heart/gut/head that I wanted a baby girl.
I say go with your gut and screw what anyone else thinks. If you really believe Sprout is a Sprout-ette and want that to be true, then go for it. If you really want to leave to the universe, then do it. I know you would love any child that came into your life, but it kind of sounds like you are asking permission to say "I want a girl damnit" so if you want to know that we won't judge that decision, read your comments and know that blog world will support you no matter what!
I would never tell someone what they should do, especially since I specified gender with my third child. (a girl)
I will say that with my first two children (biological and domestic adoption) I pictured girls but ended up shocked by boys. I will say I ADORE my boys now and have enjoyed having boys so much more than I ever thought I would. Now after having both genders, I will definitely say that boys are easier by far! Girls bring drama, drama, drama.
Sweetie, this is such a hard and personal decision. You'd think that with 2 girls at home already I'd be ready to adopt a little boy but when it came down to it I really wanted another girl. I felt that though my reasons were justified to me, they still were stupid reasons and ended up being open to gender. In the end, I'm so glad I did because I'm just so in love with my little guy and I can't believe that I almost missed him because I bought into the whole (and very subtle) US thinking that girls are better/easier/cooler.
Now on the flip side, you may want to consider that with our agency the wait times for boys is much, much less than girls and also that being open to gender with our agency almost certainly guarantees you will get a boy...Look at the spreadsheet and you'll see what I mean.
No matter what you choose, don't let what other people think be the deciding factor... that is never a good reason to choose any path. Look into the real and person reasons you feel this way, make a choice, and then don't look back.
oh, and the girl stuff is much cooler...
This is a tough one, and I think it's tougher for singles. I initially started the process thinking I would request a girl, because - as you put it so concisely - I'm a girl. As I went through the process, and talked to other single moms and to my social worker, I realized that didn't matter. My social worker made an excellent point about male role models, too - she said it would be just as important to have strong male role models for a girl, and that sometimes it's actually *harder* to get your male friends/family to be around for time/activities/etc with a girl. Whereas they all want to take the boys to the soccer pitch or batting cages or whatever. I'm generalizing madly here, but you get the idea.
I think, like you say, I was holding back because of fear of the unknown, at least in part. I ended up deciding to change my referral request to a boy or girl, and leave it in the lap of the gods - and as soon as I did it I was totally excited about the idea of having a boy. I knew it was the right choice just based on how I felt once I did it.
And then I was referred a boy, and I was ecstatic. (Of course, not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic about a girl.) I'm sure there are going to be some unique challenges (for starters, at what age can you stop taking them into the ladies washroom with you, anyway??) but I know I made the right choice.
All that said - don't base your decision on what other people will think of what you choose. If you are serious that you would request a girl without hesitation if no one had to know, then request a girl. Other people - including myself of course :) - don't get to judge how you form your family.
I guess I would try to assess how I would feel once I made the decision. Call your agency and tell them you want to change your referral request to a girl. If you are immediately struck with massive remorse and regret, call back and tell them you were kidding, or it was your evil twin, or something. (Heh. It won't be the craziest thing they've ever heard.) But if your reaction is relief, and peace... then it's right. I'm all about the gut feelings.
Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "JunieB hijacks chou-chou's blog to talk about herself."
june
Okay, so I'm just going to call you so we can hash this out, but I will say that I am delighted to raise a son and I am so very happy that I have the privilege of raising a daughter. I did feel a little guilty about gender selecting, but I feel guilty about lots of things--smushing a spider, sending late thank you notes--in the overall scheme of things, asking to raise a daughter doesn't seem like such a horrible thing. I would adore any new baby I brought home, I'm sure of it, but parenting the daughter of my dreams is an added bonus.
As an aside, I consciously bought the first Astrid-Sprout clothing item about a month ago. The Gap had these darling little pajamas in colors that are very flattering to the brown-hued tot and I wavered for a minute or two--we didn't really need them (I just wanted them) but I easily justified the purchase by considering how scrumptious Sprout will look in them later, and well, they really are girl pajamas. That's all I'm saying. Well that, and I've been saving all of our cooler girl clothes for you...
Well, gut feeling counts for a lot, so don't deny that. But I will say this -- I always imagined adopting a baby girl, until my 8-year-old Russian boy came home for the summer. Now I can't imagine it any other way. Boys are a lot of fun!
p.s. Girls clothes may be cuter, but when it comes to toys I'll take action figures and monster trucks over tea sets and Disney princesses any day!
So being the mother to a son makes me a little bias. I have to say boys rock. Oleg cracks me up on a regular basis. On the other hand, boys have their own unique challenges. You can't raise a boy the same as a girl.
However, whenever I go shopping and see all the cute little dresses and see the patterns for dolls that I would love to make my heart melts. I would love to have a little girl. In the mean time... I'll play cars and teach my son the art of the hook.
You've gotten lots of great comments here. I agree that your post sounds like you want a girl (if no one ever had to know whether I asked for a girl or left the gender open, I think I would ask for a girl). You said it. You even italicized it.
I am single and did request girls. I have taught too many little boys of single moms whose moms have co-dependent issues. Now, these were divorced moms and I do think the boys were asked to step in and be the man of the house. I didn't want to do that.
*I'm SO not saying all single moms of boys are co-dependent. I know lots of single moms of girls who are just as co-dependent. I think it's a challenge of single parenting--to not treat your child as your peer. That is why, knowing myself, I want siblings. Firmer parent/child line for me. Sorry. OT.*
I've always heard that boys are easier and more affectionate towards mom. I hadn't thought about metricgirl's point that it's easier to get men-friends to spend some time with a little boy than a little girl...
I am one of the people you loate who are adopting girls. I do think that for me, as a single mom, it's the best decision--for so many reasons. Yes, my heart aches when I go to the children's homes and I see the little boys tumbling out like puppies. If I were married--wait--WHEN I'm married I'll come back for boys. But for now, I'm going to have a little girl or two.
I guess you have to decide which is more important--having a girl or not requesting gender.
I do think there is a plan for each of our lives and that our desires are part of the plan. If your heart is leading you to a little girl, then maybe that's because you're supposed to have a little girl...this time.
Wishing you wisdom and peace.
Here is my honest opinion....
I think in the beginning most people think girl for some of the reasons you suggest, but in the end they don't care as much.
I have put either. 100% happy with a boy or a girl, but that wasn't how I started out. I grew a bit on the way. At the end of the day I would love to have the experience of having a son and a daugher, so I decided to go either this time.
Having said that, when I fostered I had a sibling group (boy and girl) and there is something really special about mothers and sons!
Do what you think it right for you, but remember you'll never look at your child and say 'I wish I had requested x' so in the end, you'll be fine with it. BUT if you think you are only adopting once, and you really want to parent a daughter, then forgive yourself and do it!
I am with Debbie. I never heard that and I totally thing that is crass. Anyhow, go with your gut. If you want to put in a preference, do it now, because later you do not want to have any regrets.
Chou-chou, I'm wondering if maybe part of this questioning is because the paperwork process if out of your hands. It's a totally valid feeling, but I know you will be a fantastic, loving parent to a boy or a girl. Are the genders different? You bet. But all kids-boys and girls--need love, support, consistent rules and male and female role models. And you will provide that. It's hard to visualize raising a boy when you've only known girls, but the reality is that you will step into the slipstream, and it won't seem foreign at all. Whatever path you choose on this question I will support it.
sorry, this is long...
I read your post last night and had to think about it before I responded. Now there is nothing I can say here that hasn't already been said. You have a very understanding and intelligent audience & fanbase (hey, that includes me, btw!)
What I WILL say is that I didn't really hesitate when I requested a girl and I haven't had many second thoughts and here's why:
1)I have ALWAYS dreamt of having a daughter. To the point of making (i.e., forcing) my little sister to act like my baby when we were very young.
2)Yes, it does smack of class privilege to be able to choose your child's gender, like some freak, futuristic, 'playing God' scenario, but dammit, we SHOULD get some benefit from this whole adoption process. By that I mean, we have to pay alot of $$ in fees, wait a long time, put up with prejudice, other people's judgements, and excess scrutiny - just to create our families. Where's the harm in taking advantage of this opportunity?
3) Ultimately I want to adopt again, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to - because of the laws and/or because I may not have the financial or emotional resources to go through another adoption. If I don't adopt again, I want to really do ALL that I can to make THIS ONE SHOT AT MY DREAM come true - to have a daughter.
June made a good point about taking boys to the bog. Of course, married moms have that same issue, but, for me, there are enough complications with being a single parent without adding additional ones.
That all being said, I would almost prefer a boy for my second child (or I'll be open to gender). Boys are great in a whole different way from girls.
I know there are little boys in need of a home who are just as deserving as the girls. I pray that my choice does not mean that harm comes to one of them because they won't get chosen. In the end, I can not be responsible for every child - just my one.
BOTTOM LINE - it's YOUR decision and no one has the right to judge you for the choices you make.
FOLLOW YOU HEART, my friend, and you won't go wrong.
((HUGS))
haze
Okay, I read your post. Pretty much every line had the "girl fever" in it...even when you were trying to rationlize a boy. Your first statement was your gut telling you to go with a girl. I say, always go with your gut. Don't judge yourself as being picky, blah, blah, blah. Forget what people will think or do think. There are way too many decisions in this adoption process leaving too many things for us to decide. But, the upside, is you do get to decide this part which, frankly, is okay. Shit, we're asking for 2 girls under a specific age, within a specific range of each other...how much more controlling can that be? And I won't tell you why...ha. In the end, regardless of which gender you choose, you'll get what you can handle and be challenged regardless. You will love either the same and never regret your decision. So...I say, go for a girl. The clothes are totally cute :)
You know, we requested a girl, however I keep thinking about a boy. I think that this is totally your decision to make and I think that fate and the universe will give you the child you are meant to be with, whether boy or girl... :)
(But personally, I say throw the dice... what an adventure!!!)
Either way, you're gonna an awesome mom :)
My two cents: I always pictured us with a girl too. Our agency doesn't let you request gender for your first. All my life I have only wanted girls. Our referral was a boy. And while I do wish I could partake in all that girlie stuff - I wouldn't trade this little guy for anything. He has been such an unexpected joy that I have completely changed my tune - and we even tossed around the idea of requesting a boy for #2.
All your points are valid...in the end you should stick with what your heart tells you.
I am (unexpectedly) in quite the same place as you.
After losing V, we are in the decision mode again. Out of the blue last week, my husband said he really thinks we ought to consider a boy! [picture the sound of a record scratching here]
All my life I have dreamt of having two little girls. Never giving one moment of thought to feeling guilty for wanting a girl.
Now, here we are. I'm TRYING to get myself to want a boy. But I'm just so ingrained with girl-ness that it's tough!
You sound like a girl is your inner dream, don't feel guilty for that. I certainly won't judge you on it!!
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