privacy and a rant and advice, please
So, most of you have heard the recent uproar about a family who was in the process of adopting from Ethiopia, and had their adoption terminated by the Ethiopian government because of their blog.
They had posted photos of their referred child (which is against Ethiopian law, as I now know) and were doing extensive fundraising, including lots of negative description of the conditions of orphans in Ethiopia. The Ethiopian government took the position that if they had to do all this fundraising, they obviously could not afford the adoption. Very sad for the family, who did not know that their blog could possibly cost them their adoption.
{begin rant - feel free to skip} Frankly, I can kind of see the Ethiopians' point on this. I am not a big fan of public fundraising for an adoption - call me cranky, but I say if you can't afford it or finance it yourself (or with your family), you might want to wait until you can. Please note I'm just talking about PUBLIC fundraising. (Full disclosure: my mom has helped me financially with the travel expenses of my adoption - and I cannot begin to tell you how much that helps. It is HUGE. She gave me this as a gift, though, and I wouldn't have asked her for it. Gifts are great!) I've never heard of anyone doing a public fundraiser for a biological child. And I think SOME the big public fundraising efforts feed into the whole "rescue" thing which I find so distasteful. Yes, the child needs a home, but when the adopting family treats the adoption as a rescue mission, it negates all the losses that the child experiences, and sets up a weird dynamic - intentional or not - that the adopted child should now be grateful to his/her parents. I don't think any child deserves that. {end rant, stepping away from the soapbox}
ANYWAY, here's the thing - I'm now kind of nervous about this blog. Even though I've taken great care to keep it anonymous, I'm worried about the Ethiopian position on blogs, and I'm worried that I'm exposing myself (and the Sprout) here.
Should I password protect my blog? Make it invitation only?
Oh great blogger society, tell me what to do. (that is if you don't already hate me for my position about adoption fundraising)
31 comments:
I hate to see you make your blog private. Blogs are such a great way to share and learn about the process and ins and outs of adoption parenting. I've made so many wonderful friends through blogs I've stumbled across.
As far asyour rant, I have to say, I agree. Yes, I've taken out debt to finance my adoption and will borrow again for the second one. If people offer to help, that's great but I agree that some of these fundraisers feed into the rescue beliefs about adoption, something we, as adoptive parents, have to work so hard to dispel.
Kerri and Ruby
Wow, I didn't know the entire story until now. Really scary and gives me a lot to think about. I had been wondering about those kinds of post b/c our agency had warned against them and pictures. I'm going to put an e-mail into my agency and see what they say about general blogs. We don't have anything earth-shattering on our blog, but I'd hate to have to password protect it. I've learned so much from reading other people's blogs, especially yours.
First, your blog is great and interesting, but if it remotely jeopardizes your adoption of Sprout, then I would protect it with whatever means make the most sense to you. You've come this far, and while you are fairly anonymous, it isn't above a government to take a peek and put things together. I'd miss its openness, but think the future is more important than 2 more months of an open blog. As always, I'll support you with whatever decision you make on this important topic.
I disagree with you on the fundraising thing, though I think some people are a big vulgar about it. You can't equate it to biological children (unless the family doesn't have insurance or something). You don't have to pay 20, 30, or 40K out of pocket to finance a birth, typically. And financing an adoption doesn't mean you can't afford to raise the child. Frankly, raising funds is more fiscally responsible than taking out a huge loan or putting it all on credit cards if you don't have the cash. There. Now I'm off my soapbox.
Regarding going private, if there is any chance whatsoever that this could jeopardize your adoption. If you're worried at all, then by all means go private. You can go public again once you're back on US soil with Sprout in your arms. Better safe than sorry.
I don't necessarily agree with you on fundraising but that is the great thing about this country - we can all have our own opinions!
As for your blog - I agree with the others - if you are nervous or there is even a small chance of it causing a problem, password at least until she is legally yours.
I don't like the public fundraising so much either. I think it's just my personality though on that one. I don't like to ask for help. I feel like it was my choice and my responsibility. That's why I took out a loan (now paid off.. Yay!), got a 2nd job, had a huge garage sale, etc. But I also understand the comment that someone made about a biological child (normally) not costing 30-40k, too.
Do whatever you feel you need to protect your adoption. All of us understand and would do the same thing.
ginger said it best.. two months ain't worth the distance you've come... and besides can't you give out the password to your frequent readers?
I can see both sides of the fundraising thing, but as far as password protecting your blog, I would do it for your peace of mind if you are at ALL worried about it. Even if the process goes without a hitch, adopting is extremely emotionally taxing (I know you know this!)-- you don't need a worry like that needling you. :)
I've always felt the same way. I wonder if people would publically fundraise to afford IVF.. probably not. (hopefully not!) I'm sitting here at job #3, which is how I have financed my adoption. I hate working 60-70 hour weeks immensely, but I figure this is just a taste of the sleep deprivation I'll have in another month. :)
As for password protecting, I know where to find you to get the password (heehee). Do what you need to do to feel secure since the time between referral and passing court is filled with nothing but insecurity!
I too would hate to see your blog go private. I don't see why you need to since you don't fit any of the criteria that lost that family the referral. (since your removed the referral picture) And you keep yourself pretty anonymous.
I agree with your rant on fundraising and making sure our children don't feel like they should be grateful that we adopted them.
Short and sweet, I agree with you on the fundraising topic and your friends who advise to follow your gut on the public/private issue. Can't wait till all of the legalities are sorted out and you can post public pictures of your family!
I am with Maggie on the fundraising thing. There aren't many with 40K laying around to bring home a child. With a biological child insurance would have paid 80% for us. With an adopted child they paid 0.
The blog issue has gone around in the Russia circle too. Again and again actually. If you are worried about it do as you see fit. If you don't only write with honesty and they can't fault you for that. If they say no photos, then no photos. Follow their rules on the adoption side of it, but for the sake of being an American you are still given the right of free speech.
I say keep it public, you are careful with names and you took your pictures down!! I don't think you need to worry.
I'm hugely risk averse and have several attorney friends who further influence/encourage my risk aversions, so you already know what my advice would be... I guarantee that they also would suggest that you go private in the interim. Best wishes with whatever you choose, but I always say better safe than sorry!
Hugs!
Min
I think so many blogs inspire others and can be a type of therapy and support. I got some of my best advice from fellow bloggers.
I would say...ask your agency. But, I'm guessing, they'd say go private, which perhaps you don't necessarily want to have to do. Given that, I don't think they (Ethiopia) can fault you if you follow the rules. Plus, I think you're always very gracious when speaking about Sproutie's homeland.
Although this was the first time I heard of a foreign government rejecting someone due to their blog, I do know of another case where material on someone's blog was used against them with their own government during the homestudy approval part of the process.
It's a fine line between writing with honesty and still respecting the authorities who are placing a child with you. I don't think it ends when you get home, either, free speech notwithstanding. I once read a post by someone who had no intention of following through on their post placement reports, because 'they can't make us'. Way to jeopardize the program for every family coming after you, guys. My blog may be private, but I still don't write anything that I wouldn't be comfortable with my agency, the Ethiopian authorities, or my child's birth family reading. On the other hand I don't sugar coat things either.
Wow, that's long winded. If you are seriously worried, go private. However, I don't think you have written anything to be concerned over, and you have taken down the photos, so don't panic.
I agree with others who say, follow YOUR gut. Do not worry about us or the hundreds of lurkers. We will all understand if you need to go private. It's your blog and she's your Sprout.
As for the fundraising, I don't know the family's story details so I don't know what sort of public fundraising they did. You make some good points, but I hadn't really thought about it as distasteful before. In fact I donated to a another single mom adopting an African child with major health issues - after reading her blog for the first time. I don't know her but I was moved by her story and the child's plight. I just wanted to give them both my support. I know I could never do that because I hate asking for help (sometimes to my detriment). As a single mom-to-be, my thought is if I'm going to do this adoption/ parenthood on my own, then I better be able to handle everything myself: pre-baby and after.
Also, my SW instructed me not to depict Ethiopia in a negative way on my blog - mostly because M may read it one day and I don't want her to feel like she was 'rescued.' I'm conscientious of that every time I post.
Sorry, I think I out rambled Ms. JunieB.
Since there is nothing that the Ethiopian government could really find offensive on your site, and since the average reader is pretty much unable to link chou-chou and Sprout to you and your babe, it seems safe to keep your blog open.
Honestly, the situation with the other family had several things going on that resulted in a bad outcome- it seems that some of what was happening was pretty unethical by adoption standards, and according to the blogger, they were reported to the embassy (someone complained about them) and that is pretty much the only reason it came to the attention of the government officials.
I find it difficult to believe that the Ethiopian government is going to police all the different blogs out there to find reasons to deny adoptions. If you follow the rules, you should be okay. IMHO.
About fundraising...although we've not really had to do it yet, I do think there is a definite difference if we had been able to birth a child. I have pretty good insurance, so we could have birthed a child for about $500. That is soooooo much cheaper than adoption, as you know. So I would never consider raising money for a biological child since I could come up with $500 in about three minutes. But shelling out $25,000+ is a much different story. I mean, people save for years to save that much for a house downpayment...so when you consider that people try to have babies for years (at the same time they are young and getting into the home owner world), then decide to adopt, you don't want to wait to save it all in advance...so people fundraise.
About your blog...IMHO...it's too risky. Make it private until after the adoption is final, and then you can reopen it up for everyone. Interested people will read the archives.
I can see why you are worried. I am worried too. Even small actions can cause BIG reactions in International Adoption. This has been on my mind lately.
I think for now, we are fine. I hate to see us all wipe our blogs off the planet over one family's experience. Which, we know now that the family was ratted out by a "vindictive person" in a personal attack. I am waiting to hear from our agency and waiting to see if anything else happens as a result of this before I make any rash decisions.
Hang in there. I know it's emotional and frustrating at times, but I think you are almost there!
Jamie
I've never seen anything here that could possibly be offensive to the Ethiopian government. But I totally understand the "better safe than sorry" point of view.
As a general rule, I think significant fund raising for adoption is in poor taste. There are a few exceptions. People obviously have strong opinions about it both ways, so I better not say more or there might be trouble!
Re: Private Blog. I would absolutely, positively make it private if there is even a whisper that your adoption could be interrupted. Overreacting? Possibly, but who cares? On top of going private, I would still be super careful, perhaps neurotically so. You changed jobs and houses to have her. Compared to that, what's "privating" a blog for a little while.
Do remember, that just about all of it is and probably will be available on archive.org for sometime, perhaps indefinitely. A good reminder that deleting doesn't solve everything.
RE; Fund raising. I'm conflicted about it. I think it is slightly off-base to say that they can't afford the child if they can't afford the adoption. HOWEVER, this is a voluntary expense. And while it is a HUGE one, no one has an unplanned adoption. SO I guess I am officially ambivalent about it. I don't think that fundraising in and of itself feeds into the "rescue" beliefs, it's just often phrased that way, so it "sounds" better.
Wow. You have such intelligent blogging fans!
1. put statcounter.com in your blog. It's hidden inside of it and you can see who visits your blog, from where, how long, where they navigated to, how they came to your blog, etc. It tells you the city, state, country. I highly recommend it. You can track if people from Ethiopia are visiting.
2. I agree with the fundraising to a point. What I don't understand is how some people passed homestudy without a solid financial background.
3. You can do a search and change all the words 'Ethiopia' in your blog to a different country. We, your loyal visitors, already know where you are adopting from, but change the name for your peace of mind. Why not say you're adopting from Iowa or something.
I just recently started reading your blog and would hate to see it go private, but agree that you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
I totally agree with you on the public fund raising! And the fact that the adoptive parents feel as if they are 'rescuing' the child. Adoption of any child is supposed to be for love of the child not rescue. Just my opinion!
I think a blog is a type of soap box- stand tall!
I had to sit with this post over night as I really wanted to be thorough in my thoughts (especially after I saw you had removed a post- I don't want to offend!)
I think a lot of people missed the point here. Fundraising is the request in which someone can choose to or choose not to respond to. I do not see how this is any different than a church member asking their congregation for financial support (which occurs alot, alot, alot), or requesting a financial grant from an organization. What exactly does the word community mean to you?
"...a unified body of individuals...a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests..." These are some of the explanations Miriam Webster gives. Whether a person has donated $10 to us or $100 that person is now part of a close community of people that believe deeply in helping one another. Every gift we have received is a person saying to me that they believe in our parenting abilities, they believe in the people that we are and what we stand for. No one is holding a gun to their head demanding they give up their money! I had one woman who I hardly knew come and talk to me one day. She talked about how she had always wanted to adopt from Vietnam after the war, but her husband felt he was too busy with work to add another child to their family. We connected through our wishes and hopeful dreams.
I know that many of us are often asked why we are choosing to adopt from Ethiopia. I know for us there are many different factors. One of those factors is the statistic that one out of every ten children will die before their fifth birthday in Ethiopia. Does that mean that we are rescuing them? Absolutely not. Does it mean that we are offering them other opportunities? As a matter of fact I believe adoption is often very selfish- think how many wells for clean water $16000 could buy. The responsibility for adoptive parents is to recognize the gift that is your child and the opportunities that you can offer them. Taking a black child from a black community in a black country and placing them in a white community in a white family in a racially tense country cant be the ideal answer to the birth countries struggles. But it is a choice the majority of us are making.
Also, I wouldn't ever want my adopted child to feel grateful that we adopted him any more than I would want my daughter to be grateful that I didn't have an abortion when I was twenty one! The only way a child would feel that way is if his parents somehow portrayed those feelings. If anything I think my child will feel very loved by all the people that are able to be a part of our lives through this experience.
One more thought I wanted to leave you with:
When I had my daughter at twenty one I had MassHealth (MA medicaid program) and paid very little for my hospital stay. Soon after I applied and received food stamps. Does this mean I didn't "do it on my own" because I took "a hand out"? Or was I being a responsible parent by making sure I was providing for my child to the best of my abilities? Those things were paid for by you- the tax payer. You helped me when I was in a time of need. The greater community was able to provide with the intention of that person someday giving back. I can do that now, my family meets the financial requirements the state has enacted. What I do not have is such a large chunk of money at once.
I used to be a private nanny and worked for many families where the parents had long hours or multiple jobs. Sometimes I would take over from the grandparents or relieve another nanny. The families were great- and they had lovely homes, nice cars and fun vacations. However I still feel I had the better deal. Not only did I get to have my own daughter with me 24/7, but I was also able to parent children who hardly ever saw their parents. We all make choices as parents and set priorities for ourselves. For me being there for my kids right now means staying in a certain wage bracket (which is still better than 38% of the rest of our country). The people that have donated to our adoption journey have literally changed our lives and are helping to fulfill our dreams- by choice.
Sorry that was so long!
Hey Anna, no need to apologize - I think it's cool that you wrote such a thoughtful and heartfelt comment.
And FYI, the only comments I ever delete are those in which someone accidentally uses my real name... I wish I could just edit them, but I can't, so I have to nuke them. I've not (yet) deleted a comment just because I don't agree with it. :-)
as far as fundraising goes, i think as long as it's quiet, tasteful and not in your face, it's okay. People don't go broke giving birth, but they can when adopting. It doesn't mean a family would be unable to support their child, either.
We were blessed not to have to go that route, we can afford most and our families are generous, but I can see how it could really be a hardship financially for people who certainly would be wonderful parents :)
As for the family who posted pics and did fundraising consequently losing the referral....I question is it an "urban legend" or real? In Ethiopia one can not even access a blog, so how would the goverment gain access?
Of course for all bloggers and futute parents of Ethiopian children I would be as cautious as everyone else. (just throwing the thought out there)
Second: I believe there are many families that would love to adopt but do not have the funds, not to say they cant afford to raise a child but many of us dont have 30K up front. Is is responsible to finance an adoption and take on debt if one believes they are being "called" to adopt? or is it acceptable to allow those to find creative avenues to bring an orphan into a loving family.
As far as the blog community, My God what a postive, encouraging, uplifting group of people out there! All of you are doing the Lords work, be proud, hold your heads high and KEEP BLOGGING!!
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