you'll need the captions

Behold my gorgeous Goddaughter and her handsome brother performing a play they created and performed today during my visit. Truly a work of art, with a BIG plot twist at the end!!

An Embarrassment of Riches

The family baby shower hosted by my sister was today - it was so much fun!!

I (finally) got over my weirdness about not having a referral, and had a great time.

I got tons of really thoughtful lovely things, including a handknit blanket from my mom, some great books, receiving blankets, clothes, toys, etc. etc. etc.

And, one of the coolest things was that everyone at the shower wrote in a little notebook that my sister created (using the shower invite she made as a front cover). In it, they each wrote a bit of parenting advice - some serious, some funny, but all wonderful!

I am so blessed.

Photos are here in slideshow form (hope this works) for those who want to see...

Just in case you can't read my sister's sage advice that she entered into the little notebook - I include a shot of her page in the slideshow above - I am repeating it here, because it's genius (IMHO):

"Do not let child out of car at speeds higher than 20 MPH.

The laws of physics will continue to operate upon the child, no matter how physically attractive she may be.

No tobasco.

Blog whenever you hear something come out of your mouth that is channeled from your mother, not that this will change anything, but it will entertain the rest of us.

Don't bring a baby to the zen meditation center.

Go with your gut. Your baby is her own person."

I ask you - can you get any better advice than this???

Attachment Resources

One of my fellow adopting single gals, the fabulous Katie in Seattle, is preparing for the arrival of her new Ethiopian daughter, Isa. She'll be using the Center for Adoption Medicine at the University of Washington as her primary pediatrician - lots of relevant expertise there.

Katie kindly forwarded the link to the Center's website, and WOW! On it, there are are TONS of interesting articles and links.

I especially liked the list of links to resources on Parenting and Attachment. Hope you like it too.

Another great thing to read is Top Ten Attachment Tips for the First Year of Placement by the great Deborah Gray.

Recommended Reading: MFG's Blog

Melissa Fay Greene, author of "There is No Me Without You" (perhaps THE book for Ethiopian adopters to read), has a website and a blog.

Not surprisingly, she writes well.

And it's fun to see a slice of life in her very fun, very full, and happy home. This post about her front yard is a classic.

Another great piece she has written is the Unofficial Guide to Ethiopian Adoption, which answers many of the questions we are commonly asked, in a wittier and more interesting way.

Job Listing

TITLE:

Mommy, Mom, Mama, Ma


DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and
endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.


TERM:

The rest of your life.


RESPONSIBILITIES :

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses. (A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.)

When you die, you give them whatever is left.


BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


[sent to me by my wonderful friend Ginger, who I've know since high school and who is the BEST. she is not - yet - a blogger, so I can't link to her...]

Do's and Don'ts For Friends and Family

I haven't yet gotten to the point when I need to tell folks about what I want from them when I first get home from Ethiopia with Sproutie.

Attachment takes some time, and parents of newly-adopted kids need to treat them a bit differently than biological children. Some of the things I'll ask might sound harsh or odd (i.e. no one holds the baby but me 99% of the time), but they are important.

The folks who are closest to me and who will be around Sprout the most are already pretty savvy on this stuff. In fact my sister went with me to an all-day workshop on Baby Care for Adopted Infants - how cool is that?

But, this stuff is still valuable as a reminder, and in case y'all haven't seen it...

I came across these "Dos & Don'ts" for folks on the unfortunately-named, but actually pretty valuable, site about adoption and attachment A4EverFamily .

Dos & Don’ts for Family & Friends of Adoptive Parents

Do

1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.

2. Trust the mother’s instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to “normal” behavior.

3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.

4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.

5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby’s world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.

6. Tell the baby every time you see her what a good/loving/safe mommy she has.

7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child’s home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)

8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like she really wants to be with Grandma, for example, she needs to have a strong attachment to her parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not “attached” can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents’ requests.

9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!

Don’t

1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.

2. Underestimate a new mother’s instincts that something isn’t right.

3. Judge the mother’s parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

4. Make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.

5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.

6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child’s experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.

7. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn’t understand…after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.

8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time she cries because it will spoil her. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time she cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of her and always keep her safe.

9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.

10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.

getting to know the village

Today I got together for a picnic with several local families who have adopted from Ethiopia, or who - like me - are in the process of adopting.

I have to say, it is really nice to be a crowd where no one thinks it's odd that I openly stare at their children with covetousness. :-) They understand.

One of my favorite scenes was this one. A bunch of the kids lined up very politely to watch a couple of people launch their small sailboat. They seemed pretty fascinated by the whole thing.














It was a really nice sunny day, but a bit breezy The wind didn't keep the kids from plunging in to the very cold Bay with abandon, however:














And, will you LOOK at these gorgeous girls - they are stunning. Even when they are discussing the best way to get a bunch of rocks into your mouth without your parents knowing about it...



The photo below will take you to a web album with all the pix.

BayEthio August 2007er

sprout-ette

Long pop-psychology story short: I was winding myself up with weird fear+guilt about asking for too much. Boo!

Have decided to just get over myself and ask for what I really want: a little girl!

Thank you all for your input and thought and advice and general loveliness.

[I hope all the moms of wonderful boys don't feel slighted -- I know without a doubt that boys are fabulous, and I actually would love a son... just want a daughter first. I intend to adopt 2, and the second time 'round, I think I'll be asking for a boy!] :-)