date
I have a date tonight.
He is picking me up at 7, which is interesting because it is 7:25. That's not fair - he in fact called me long ago and told me he was running late. (His manners are astoundingly good - he opens doors for me and stuff… very old school, very charming.)
I’m grateful he is running behind, actually, because it takes me a little while to get all purty. I even blew my hair straight... this is no small task. I have the ultimate white girl ‘fro. Takes a high-powered blow-dryer and a big round brush and lots of elbow grease to beat my hair into submission. I almost never blow it straight because it takes forever, but I love the way it looks... so, kind of fun to whip out the good hair (heavy artillery) for this guy.
-- break for actual date --
-- 3 hours later --
I’m back.
My point, and I do have one, is that while I cared about looking nice, I wasn't doing my normal "Oh My God Will He Like Me or Am I Too Fat or Is My Job Intimidating or Am I Too Tall or Will I Talk To Much or Laugh Too Loud or WHATEVER..."
Dating is nightmarish for me because I usually experience a deluge of self doubt and concern about whether HE WILL LIKE ME. I don’t generally get around to even considering whether I like him. I really dislike this about myself, because I am normally a self-assured, strong woman.
What is totally new, and totally shocking to me is that tonight, I didn't obsess. I mean, I was looking forward to dinner, and I like this guy. But somehow, the pressure is off. If he likes me - great. If he doesn't - cool.
Could it be the fact that I’m adopting -- that I’m building my own little family -- that has finally allowed me to just calm the hell down around men? I never thought of myself as desparate to hook up -- in fact I tend to run the other way. And I don't feel like I neeed to be married... I would be REALLY picky right now in that regard.
So how is it that this little future person in my life - who isn't even here yet -- who may not even be BORN -- has made me finally be normal around men?
4 comments:
I think it could have something to do with you adopting. You have a confidence that you may not have had before.
I think that's so true. Also, with adopting, you don't 'need' him, a man is a bonus, a blessing (well the right one is, the wrong one..well we won't go there! lol) but adopting gives you the confidence, makes you independant and able to build your very own family!
Makes sense to me. I've avoided dating during my adoption process, but I think my avoidance is very similar to your calmness. I don't need it right now, my life is full without dating. I can see where you would be less worried about little things, you've got big fish a-frying!
I hear ya about the curly hair. I very rarely straighten mine for the same reason.
Good for you with your new attitude about dating. You go girl.
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