blowing deadlines
I have created a monster of expectation.
Since I started this whole adoption process in May of 2006, I’ve been telling myself that I’ll have my baby home by Christmas of 2007.
As the process rolled on, and it became clear that I couldn’t do my homestudy until after I moved to my new casa in January, I shifted that expectation to one that I thought was totally realistic and reasonable: I wouldn’t have Sprout home by Christmas, but I would absolutely know who she was.
So, ever since late last year, I have been telling myself – and others – that I would certainly have a referral by Christmas this year.
And here I am, on December 19th, with no referral. And hope is fading.
I never even thought about what I would do if I didn’t have a referral by Christmas. And I don’t know why this deadline feels so important. Maybe it was my (obviously futile) attempt to exert some control or predictability over the process.
But now I have to face the reality that I will mostly likely NOT be getting a referral by Christmas. And that just depresses the hell out of me.
16 comments:
So sorry......I don't know what to say......Hope 2008 is your year.
Wow, that must suck. Sorry babe.
I'm sure once you get your referral, you won't care, but it must be icky icky sad right now.
Hugs.
You did it because we all want deadlines, we all want to know when this craziness will end. I understand why you did it and why you are depressed. I know this will not help BUT that just makes 2008 your year...referral, travel and an amazing start to your new family! I hope your next deadline in your head is not only met but well before you expect! Thinking of you and praying for you!
I did the same thing. Wrote a comparable blog post when I figured out there was no way it would happen for us by Christmas, like I'd told myself, and other people. So now you deal with your own torturous wait issues, PLUS the knowledge that people know you must be devastated, and people thinking that there is something going wrong. Sweet. I can't wait to see all the people I haven't seen since last Christmas who will say things like "you thought you'd have kids home by now, right?" This year I have apparently joined the ranks of those for whom the holidays are a bit "difficult." Sorry about your disappointment.
I hope for you days filled with other things to keep your mind just a tiny bit diverted!!! we are all waiting with you... xxx c
Yuck - sorry hon. I know how disappointing this must be for you.
With the holidays, I am also putting that deadline out there and starting to tell everyone that I hope to have M home by Christmas 2008 - but it could be 2009.
I agree that it's about trying to have a teeny bit of control over the process and trying to make plans. Pregnant women have it so much easier in that they know when their baby will arrive.
So yes, 2008 will be the year of chou-chou and Sprout - no doubt about that. Try to stay positive and enjoy your Christmas. Think of it like knowing your favorite aunt has a gift for you at her house but you can't get over to visit her until after Christmas.
(p.s. it's not Christmas quite yet...you never know...)
Haze is right. It's not quite Christmas, but it still sucks.
We're all so sorry! But you know what, it could come at any time. I have a friend who was two weeks overdue with her bio baby in November and she was incredibly frustrated. I equate IA to bio-births sometimes, and right now you're overdue (I considered the 30 hour flight home from Ethiopia my labor...when baby cried, it was hard labor!). Your referral could could come any time, and then things will progress quickly!
Also, there is a reason for the delay...you're waiting for YOUR baby. A few days earlier or later and we wouldn't have gotten ourselves our baby Amara and I can't imagine any other little girl in our lives. She's the perfect child for us!
Hang in there. Any day....
And if you ever want to hang out with Amara to get some good Ethiopian baby vibes, just drop me an email!
Becky, Chris & Amara Lark
We are all here with you and feel your disappointment:-( It will happen, and we will all celebrate with you. Hang in there!!
I followed the same path last year. At that point referrals were still expected within 8 weeks of dossier acceptance. In my mind, that meant no later than early October--there would certainly be a baby in my arms for Christmas. By the middle of November, it was clear that we wouldn't meet our daughter before 2007. The holidays were hard last year--I desperately missed the baby I hadn't met yet. And then, January 2nd happened--our call came and while the pictures of Firepants didn't erase the pain of the incredibly long wait (23.5 weeks) everything eased.
Sprouty is coming! In the meantime, take this time that is so challenging to really enjoy the high points of your adult lifestyle. Go to a movie, dine late with friends (what a good idea!) meander through Target or the farmer's market or take Mrs. J to China Beach for a long stroll. You won't miss these things much once Sprout arrives, but it will be oh so nice to look back with wonder (and just a touch of longing) at the serenity of your pre-Sprout time.
Remember too, that you can always call to complain loudly and with gusto--this wait is SO hard, and even loved ones with the most sympathetic ear possible don't quite get it (not said about anyone in particular, just a general----). I get it though, and I'll listen quietly with an occasional empathic murmur. Really
Those self-imposed deadlines are the worst. Hang in there.
Those arbitrary, self-imposed deadlines become incredibly important in our minds. It is hard not to do them because we all need something to shoot for. Sorry that it looks as if you aren't going to meet this one. Sucks.
It may not be at Christmas time.. but YOU. WILL. GET. A. REFERRAL.
I keep telling myself the same thing. Look at it logistically. It would be difficult to receive a referral during the holidays because most IA doctors are away on vacation. (I'm assuming you guys use them for Ethiopia? If not, it's basically sending the photos and medical to an IA doc. to find out if the child really does look healthy.)
Hi Chou2,
I know it's hard not knowing and waiting. Sorry about your pain.
Without reading this post of yours, I sent you a note just a while ago, and it might pick you up a bit!
Look around Chou Chou - think of the Verizon Wireless ad - See how BIG your network is????!
We're here for ya!
I feel ya, sister. I'm a total bummer this holiday for the same reason. I hope that 2008 is better for us all.
You just made me realize that maybe Baby I won't be home by Cristmas 2008 but I'm going to keep telling myself that. I'll deal with that next year. This is still my goal.
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