i don't like drama

OK, so now in addition to all the domestic yuck work and pre-trip preparations and the painters tomorrow, I now get to layer on a visit to the hospital.

This afternoon, my doc called to tell me that she saw something odd in my chest x-rays (the word "nodules" was used) and my mind immediately blanked out except for the phrase "LUNG CANCER" which totally obscured my ability to focus on what she was saying.

I did catch a few things - she said she didn't think it was cause for alarm *yet* but that she'd like to have me do a CT scan. She confirmed with me again that I do not smoke. I said that was correct - I do not. And my brain screamed OH MY GOD I HAVE LUNG CANCER. Which was not helpful to me.

Then she asked if I have had any symptoms (coughing, night sweats, etc.). I replied that I do not. And my brain did not give up - once again, screaming LUNG CANCER!! at me.

It is most likely scar tissue, she said - a reference to the fact that 14 years ago I had a near-death experience with several hundred very unpleasant pulminary emboli. But she wants to make sure. And my fearful little brain was just buzzing and spinning out on all the horrible possible ends to this story.

Now, several hours later, I am a lot calmer. I told my sister about it, which helped, and told another doctor about it, who told me I have zero percent chance of lung cancer, which - even though not technically accurate - also helped. My brain is no longer screaming the C word at me.

Oddly, I've managed to have several conversations with good friends this afternoon without even mentioning it. Which, when combined with eating a bunch of crappy food, is apparently how I'm dealing with it - by pretending it's not happening.

Except for the part where I blog about it. Because somehow this doesn't freak me out and in fact makes it seem a bit better.

So, anyway, tomorrow morning, after I greet the painters and get them set up, I'm off to report to the radiology department for a CT scan. And try not to wig out until I hear the results, which probably won't be for several days.

Please think good thoughts, or pray if you do that, for me to have some peace until I know what is going on.

And now I'm taking my monkey brain and going to bed.