Plan A
Today's topic is brought to you by this very thoughtful and honest post by the fabulous Paige.
I often get asked why I'm adopting, or find myself in a conversation about adoption in the context of someone's unsuccessful battle with infertility. And in that context, adoption is definitely Plan B. Or C. Sometimes D.
If asked by someone in that camp, I usually make a joke about Mr. Wonderful not having shown up yet, and most people leave it at that. The assumption is (I think) that I have an issue about using donor sperm and / or am infertile. And certainly that I would be having biological children if I was married. Those assumptions are wrong.
For me, adoption is just Plan A - my first choice. But that seems to be a rather rare thing, and I feel like a bit of a freak around people for whom it is the option of last resort after trying so so hard to have biological children.
I am not infertile, and have no problem with the idea of using donor sperm. I had very serious pulmonary emboli (almost died) when I was 28 as a result of being on the pill - which means that being pregnant would be pretty dangerous for me.
Even if I wasn't single, I wouldn't want to go through a high-risk pregnancy just so my kid can share my (admittedly fabulous!) DNA. I've just never felt it was critical that my kid look like me, and there are millions of kids who need homes, and it just seems like the right thing to adopt.
Try saying all that to people who have spent umpteen thousands of dollars, years of their lives, and a huge amount of heartache on the infertility treatment cycle of hell, only to finally accept what feels like defeat and try to come to terms with the loss of their dream, and move on with adopting.
There is just no way to do it without sounding like a sanctimonious ass.
16 comments:
It's plan A here, too. Yes, if I was married I'd likely have a pregnancy as well (my doctor told me I am "in excellent reproductive health"). But, really...it would be more of a curiosity thing.
(I just censored myself before I stirred up raging contovosies on your blog.)
Dropped my "r". Sorry.
Plan A for me too!
I'm 100% Plan A - no if's ands or buts!!!
You are not a freak or an ass and shouldn't feel like such because this is the path you have always wanted to take to motherhood. I'm a plan B, I guess, because I always thought I would birth a big batch (6. Not all at once tho!...).
But yeah, I haven't crossed paths with Mr Right yet, and by the time I figured I could be a single mother by choice & I wanted to do it, I no longer felt comfortable dealing with possible low fertility, birth defects & a high risk pregnancy due to my age. And it seemed pretty selfish to hang onto that wish to be pregnant when there are so many children in need of a family.
So now I'm (mostly) over the disappointment of never being pregnant, I AM thrilled to be adopting, and I am hoping to adopt a second time.
I actually have come across a good number of people who are adopting as Plan A or at least like us - Plan A 1/2.
I, in theory, could get pregnant and stay that way. It hasn't happened in reality. In reality, I can't seem to stay pregnant. But we didn't go through fertility treatments to fix that. If I am ever pregnant it will be a high risk pregnancy. I don't feel the need to be pregnant or pass on my questionable DNA that badly. So rather than go the fertility route, we happily decided to adopt.
I'm a solid plan B person over here, but I was surprised to read that you are the one that feels like the ass. I would think it would be harder for us to explain to you why adoption was not first, but second. I don't know why it would ever be a bad thing to have adoption be plan A. I hope I never make any plan A folks feel that way! Interesting perspective!
I'm with Michelle. Plan A 1/2. I tried to get pregnant (I have that bonus husband factor) but it didn't work. So rather than be some doctor's lab rat we went to adoption. Now we are back in the same position where I could theoretically get pregnant, but I don't know if I want to be. I struggle with it every day.
Well for us it is plan A but with a curvy way of getting there.
We tried biological. But once it was clear we weren't getting pregnant on our own I was set on adoption (which we already talked about anyhow). It did take me a few months to give up the dream of being pregnant but I wouldn't change it for anything now.
It's odd how people see people who adopt instead of bio kids. My own sister things we have done something horribly wrong that we have to adopt.
But we count it a blessing that we never got pregnant and are going to grow our family through adoption.
Good post.
It's not polite to ask someone why they are adopting, imho.
If someone does ask, I think the response is simply,
"Why do you ask?"
or
"I'm don't care to discuss that."
your loving seeester and poser bad-ass miss manners
Bad-Ass Ms. Manners makes an excellent point, but it really does come up pretty often, especially amongst fellow adopters. I think it's part of the 'we're all in this together' spirit of adoptive parenting. I can politely tell the docent at the SF Museum of Art to 'get bent' (and really, I was tres sweet in saying so) but it's another thing entirely within the community. I've always had this idea though that single chicks got an automatic pass--clearly you're lacking that little extra bit of something needed for baby making (Hmmm, what is that again?) but maybe not--people can be nosy anyway.
I'd never thought about that angle of the adoption issue before, but I am becoming less stunned by the rudeness of questions that strangers pose about personal issues. Because of that, I heartily endorse Pamplemousse's methods of reflecting back to the asker. And, as a gal who had two pregnancies, both with happy endings, I'd have to say that it's hard work, but I'm not sure it's as hard as all the paperwork/hoops adoptive parents endure!
Thanks for posting this! I was starting to wonder if I was the only one that felt this way! For us adoption definitely wasn't plan B, it was just one way of forming a family--not any more or less wonderful, valid, desirable, ect...than giving birth to a child. We always assumed we would do both, but about 2 years ago we found out that I have a condition that *might* make it difficult to become pregnant. (We weren't trying by the way, it just came up after seeing the Doc about another medical issue) Did I want to put my self through fertility treatment? No way! We already knew that adoption would be a part of our family someday, and I never want my children to feel like they were a "last resort," or just a stand-in for the biological child we couldn't have. We decided it was time for us to start adopting a little one from Viet Nam, and assumed everyone would be as thrilled as we were.Instead,I was floored by how many people were very vocally upset about our decision to adopt without first trying fertility treatment. My MIL actually started crying. I am happy to say that she is starting to come around though=)
Nice post.
I was always a plan A girl from my mid twenties when it became apparent Mr. Man wasn't dropping by and staying!! I think some of my friends feel "sorry " for me that I haven't had that relationship and opportunity for a family biologically. What those friends don't know, is that I am praying that IF there IS a Mr. Man due in my life, that he'll have a heart for adoption too. My 4yr. old daughter (from China)wants me to have a baby in my belly---but I think she really just wants a sibling. Adoption all the way!!
Cheers.
After the 'I'm single' bit I always enjoy the round of 'why can't you get a man?' question. After that, it's all about my 'lady bits' and if they are in 'working order.'
Forgot to mention, I was a competitive rower for years and years too.
Maybe we raced against each other at a regatta.
Spanking the water!
M.
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