the gremlin

I am better at giving than getting. Not that I'm morally superior - oh no. It's in fact quite a humiliating part of my personality, I'm afraid.

I love giving gifts to people - it makes me feel good. But, also, it satisfies some tiny gremlin in my psyche and makes me feel safer in relationships because who wouldn't like a gift-giving kind of person? The gremlin figures, who wouldn't want to be my friend if I'm the generous type? Better seal the deal by making sure that is always the case.

That gremlin is no longer (thank God) the driving force behind gifts for me and it's been pretty quiet since my childhood years. But it's still lurking there, waiting and watching, and I am realizing it keeps track of the overall karmic balance in my relationships.

And when that karmic balance tips too far, that little pyscho gremlin speaks up.

And, I have been blessed lately with many situations when the karmic balance is out of whack. Witness the baby shower – the first of TWO that I’m going to have, which is so lovely and also slightly extravagant. All those people getting together to celebrate my impending mommyhood, giving me gifts. Definitely fuel for the gremlin.

Last night, the gremlin spoke up again. I went to dinner at the home of Paige and Albert, two incredible people who have been ridiculously generous to me. Paige is a superstar by just about any measure.

They invited me, my mom and my sister to dinner (my sister was ill and couldn’t make it), and you should have seen the spread! It was asbsolutely gorgeous, and Paige had to be cooking for DAYS to pull off that meal. Three soups. THREE. And two deserts – both extraordinary. And little mittens as placeholders that Paige made herself, matched with individual little wreaths that her 8 year-old son made himself. It was stunning.

And then they gave me a truly humongous CRATE of gifts for me and for Sproutie. This, on top of a gazillion gorgeous hand-me-downs from their amazing daughter (who came home from Ethiopia in March).

The karmic balance is now so far out of kilter I cannot even imagine how to get it back. There is no quid in the pro quo, if you know what I mean. The gremlin is having a field day.

Paige and Albert have been so generous, I truly don't know what to do with myself. Or with them.

And, as I wrote in an email to her this morning, I guess all I can do is be incredibly grateful for wonderful friends (I am!). (And cry quietly into my herb tea that they are moving away – nooooooooooooooo!)

And work on my humility (which needs work).

And tell the gremlin to SHUT THE F@*K UP and just trust that it is truly OK to let someone else have the karmic favor for once.

And say THANK YOU, thank you, thank you.